Melissa

Against Logic

Once, you didn’t know this about me, but
I was once in some sort of
Military training camp
and a commander summoned me,
What is the least obvious
but most important factor to consider
when sizing up an enemy he asked.
His reason for fighting, I said

His reason for fighting
I wake up every morning, and
without thinking, like breathing,
I repeat, my reason for fighting
I dress myself, my undergarments,
the flimsy uniform so ill-prepared for
battle, and then you, appearing

The truth is, you never
really know how to fight, you think,
how well prepared, look, I am
properly trained for anything, logic sleeps
by my side and she guides me
relief escapes from your lips, in
thick, gorgeous smoke rings, and for
a moment, we are all distracted by
their beauty

Most attacks, they come without
warning, they catch you comfortable,
and when surprised and trembling,
we reach for logic’s hand, fumble the sheets
to find where she is hiding, remember to look, always,
for your reason for fighting

- MS

Bloodletting
is needed
when the heart is overwhelmed
Give me your hand
and open up
this here valve
Run me dry

she repeats
come out to show them
come out to show them

The refrain turned lullaby
All that’s left
is just your lips on my back
as we sleep
Soft reverberations

In our dreams
I will tear off my face

and my bruises will
come out to show you
come out to show you
come out to show you
come out to show you
come out to show you

My skin is burnt
deep blue
and black

Your hand brings
the color out
the yearning for yellow
purple even,
and to see the faint
tease of red again

I

The wind, wildly flirtatious,
catches my smile
and so, continues
his caresses
first,
down my nape,
round my chin,
then lower yet,
till even my
blouse is
his casual
dancing partner
they sway,
old lovers
as he whispers:
(tickling my ear)
directions to
his bed

II

suddenly it grows
dark, the clouds roll in
as he scales mountains,
flees rock, in pursuit
trying hard
to undo these
buttons
threatens rain,
if I do not oblige
curses through hissed
teeth before
a grand pause

III

lets loose a
thunderous boom, saddening
the sky with savage
rain which
ravishes my skin,
swoops down
before I can
roll the window up
I look back just in time
to see the tree
which jumps in front
to greet my windshield

furry bat
my fingers
curled round
your slick
slippery tiny
tongue

I took
some spit
to my lips
apply you
like gloss
and lick
slowly

I shit when I think of
You; run crippled,
Hunched like to the
Safety of that small

Room. Windowless
So no one can see the
Ten bone white fingers
Which grasp my sides in

Terror. These tiles are
Fitted with vomit grout;
The sink’s drain catches my
Arm before I disappear

Down it and I shower as if it
Were a special occasion
Ceremonial, like anniversaries
Perhaps, or I pretend

I am caught in your tears
Mix them with my spit,
Blood, snot and drink them
All back in

Here it is okay to smell
Like a woman; to cry like
A girl. Give birth to my
Mistakes, my nervous

Unsure stomach spasms
When I think of you and
Here I am again
Sitting on my throne

Pushing you out the only way I
Know how; there will be
An almost orgasmic moment
When I see you drown.

– MS, 2008

Just found this. Not sure when I wrote it…(at least two years ago would be my guess)

Not grids, but gradients

If on a monday night you sit.
to feel your feet rip open. this is
satisfaction.
you whisper softly to the cat I love you
as you grease the floor.
there are grooves three feet deep
between the bed and the screen.
you’ve never noticed them.
this wooden chair is sagging and
in ten minutes we will grab hold of familiar sounds
and close our eyes.

If on a monday night you sit.
down the street are couples.
beneath a tree there is a body.
what if one monday night
you saw me standing there.

Principles of connection and heterogeneity: any point of a rhizome can be connected to anything other, and must be

and if I placed my hand in the dirt.
got electrocuted again.
he sings
you are not the first
and I am not the last.
this will be put to bed soon enough.
you can tell me all you want
how you’ll come looking for me one day.
perhaps I won’t wish to be found.

A rhizome may be broken, shattered at a given spot, but it will start up again on one of its old lines, or on new lines. You can never get rid of ants because they form an animal rhizome that can rebound time and again after most of it has been destroyed.

or perhaps I would.
perhaps I want you to come for me right now.
I want to show up nightly
on your lawn

…..to live in an inspired house.

…..Meditate regularly. Work with the trainer again (I start with Ben on Wed the 30th!)

…..eat better (this one is big) - meaning no more ice cream (well, maybe just a little every now and then), no more bad stuff which is all I eat these days, and much much more good stuff. Buy a juicer. more shakes in the mornings

……..go to bed earlier and wake up bright and early. I’m thinking 6am sounds nice….maybe even earlier. Bed by 10, maybe 11…..no more 3am nights because they are slowly draining me and I want to be alive during the day. I am missing too much as it is….

………….have dinner with my father and mother.and my brother. often. find out who they are beyond those simple titles (because truthfully, I have no idea)

……….take many many adventures.

……become better at returning the following:

emails
texts
phone calls
movies
books

………..write more

if I think of others, I’ll let you know

There are far too many thoughts swimming through my head at the moment to make sense of, so I am not going to try. I flew back to New York this afternoon from Miami, after what I can only describe as one of the more memorable weeks of my life. If I recieve nothing for Christmas this year, it will be okay. Because I had the last 8 days.

This was in my inbox upon by return:

December 11, 2007
What We Are Made Of
Choose Love

Love is often presented as the opposite of fear, but true love is not opposite anything. True love is far more powerful than any negative emotions, as it is the environment in which all things arise. Negative emotions are like sharks swimming in the ocean of love. All things beautiful and fearful, ugly and kind, powerful and small, come into existence, do their thing, and disappear within the context of this great ocean. At the same time, they are made of the very love in which they swim and can never be separated. We are made of this love and live our whole lives at one with it, whether we know it or not.

It is only the illusion that we are separate from this great love that causes us to believe that choosing anything other than love makes sense or is even possible. In the relative, dualistic world of positive and negative, darkness and light, male and female, we make choices and we learn from them. This is exactly what we are meant to be doing here on earth. Underlying these relative choices, though, is the choice to be conscious of what we are, which is love, or to be unconscious of it. When we choose to be conscious of it, we choose love. We will still exist in the relative world of opposites and choices and cause and effect, and we will need to make our way here, but doing so with an awareness that we are all made of this love will enable us to be more playful, more joyful, more loving and wise, as we make our way. Ultimately, the choices we make will shed light on the love that makes us all one, enabling those who have forgotten to return to the source.

This world makes it easy to forget this great love, which is part of why we are here. We are here to remember and, when we forget to remember again, to choose love.

Just a small list of some of the albums which were on constant repeat in my CD player as a teenager.
In no particular order I give you…….

1. Peter Gabriel - Security

This was the first album I ever bought. Just seeing the album cover again brings back chills. I can remember laying in bed listening to ‘Lay Your Hands on Me’ and thinking wow. this is the sexiest song ever recorded. The Rhythm of the Heat, Shock the Monkey, Kiss of Life. Man. every song on there was perfection.

2. Candlebox by Candlebox

Cover Me was played constantly by about every girl I knew back then. I was not an exception. I bought this CD the same day I bought the Peter Gabriel one. I had a book bag with pen and ink hearts scrawled around cursive lettering which spelled out CANDLEBOX.

3. REM - Monster

I don’t think I could have been more in love with a band. I had Michael Stipe posters all over my room (which I remember my father so arrogantly stating, “Why do you like him? You know he’s GAY right?” pronouncing the word Gay like it was another word for ugly.) I remember teaching my sister Emily (who was maybe two or three at the time) all of their band members names, so that when I pulled out the album and pointed to them she would, on cue, list: Peter, Mike, Michael, and Bill. God. I just want to drive off listening to this Album for the rest of the day now. Crush with Eyeliner was brilliant…..and Let Me In always made me cry. Each one of the songs on Monster contains such powerful memories for me.

4. Joy Askew - Tender City

I picked this up randomly while in High School and since have re-bought it four times (I keep lending it out or losing it). I probably account for half this album’s sales. I fell in love with this woman while listening to her sing ‘I’m Still Looking For A Home‘ (Peter Gabriel appears on this track too). I would take my sister (again she about two years old at this time) and we would dance alone in my room while I would blare track 10, This Ring. About a year ago, Emily and I were sitting in my car and I put this song on and asked her if she remembered us dancing to it when she was a baby. She sat there for a bit and you could tell she was trying really really hard to remember. But she was too little. It is one of the best memories I have.

The Death of Snow White

I walk towards air
And wonder what
It might feel like to
Fly; come slamming
Down upon some
Smooth rock leave
My imprint there
All fossil like
Leg awkwardly bent
Back or would I
Land as if sleeping
As if placed there
Gently and left for
Some lips to find
And awaken me
There in the woods
What if my pale
Skin never reddens
By some strangers
Touch and instead
I lay there
Crystallized for
Eternity; me and
My stone pillow

(after my 2nd hike up to Kaaterskill Falls)